This fall my mom came to visit for a long weekend. My husband picked her up on Thursday night and before she could unpack her bag my three kids had her activities planned out for the whole weekend.

On Friday morning it dawned on me that I rarely, if ever, ask my mom questions about her life. We talk all the time and I always want to hear about her day, but most of the conversation is me rambling on about my life, what’s going on with the kids, our crazy schedule, what I’m making for dinner, etc.

Last year a dear friend of mine lost her mom. I remember her telling me one of the things she misses the most are all the little questions she never thought to ask her mom. This really stuck with me and I wanted to take the opportunity with my mom here to ask her some questions. I didn’t want to make it a formal sit down with a list of questions. I just wanted to casually slip in a question here and there during our quiet moments together.

I’m no expert, just a former teacher by trade and mama by heart who wanted to get to know her mama a little better. Here are some of the questions I asked, and what my mom had to say:

Ask what she was like as a little girl

My mom visited us that weekend. I wanted to know more about her, so I asked her what she was like when she was little. Turns out she was a bossy, chatty kid who climbed a tree so much that one of the neighbors yelled at her to stop.

Learning about the people we love as individuals (as opposed to their relationship to us) is a great way to get to know them on a deeper level. And asking about their childhood is the perfect ice-breaker to get the ball rolling.

Ask what her own mother taught her

I asked my mom what her mother taught her to do. I asked because I want to pass things on to my kids.

“Never leave the dishes in the sink,” she said. “Write thank you notes.”

Friday afternoon my mom and I were folding towels together in the laundry room. I’d asked what habits she’s carried over from her own upbringing, things her mom drilled into her that stuck. My mom thought a minute, then offered two examples. She still washes dishes before bed and sends handwritten thank you notes, and so do I. I hadn’t thought about it before, but it makes sense. Some of my habits came from my mom, and some of her habits came from her mom. I imagine it’s true for many families.

Ask what falling in love was like for her

Friday night my husband took the kids out for ice cream so my mom and I could have the kitchen to ourselves. I asked her what it was like when she was falling in love, back when she was younger. She got a little shy, which surprised me. I imagine her sitting across from me shy and bashful, instead of the no-nonsense grandma I’m used to. She said it was slower than you’d expect it to be nowadays. Tons of waiting by the phone. Long drives where there wasn’t anything to say, but that was okay.

I know my mom as a mother and a grandmother. I didn’t know her as that nervous, hopeful young lady. But for a few minutes Friday night, I got to.

Ask about the hardest year of her life

I asked my mom recently what was the hardest year of her life and I was surprised by her answer. It was a year that I remember as quite normal. I was in grade school. She told me that during that year, she cried a lot, specifically in the car. We had no idea.

I thought a lot about this recently while walking around the block with my mom one Saturday morning while my husband made pancakes. How much we don’t know about what goes on in the lives of our parents. How much pain and struggle there can be, that is shielded from our eyes. And, in turn, how much of our pain and struggle our children never see as well.

Ask what she would do differently

Saturday after lunch I sat with my mom on the porch steps while my kids played in the backyard. I asked her what she would do differently if she could go back.

Without hesitating she said that she would worry less about having a clean house and spend more time sitting on the floor with us.

It wasn’t stuff that she wishes she gave us, it was stuff that she wishes she gave her attention to.

I don’t know about you, but that statement shifted my entire afternoon.

Ask what you were like as a baby

My husband was in the next room when he commented that it sounds like there’s been some changes but not much. He was referring to my being serious as a baby and taking note of my surroundings. Apparently that has not changed.

My youngest fell asleep on my mom’s lap Saturday and I had the opportunity to ask her about my infancy. Turns out I was a poor sleeper and that my mom would walk me around the hallway for hours at a time. Who else could I ask this stuff to? Who else knows these things about me? I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought to ask before then. It occurred to me that if I didn’t ask these questions they would go unanswered. And so, my mom shared some things with me that I can now hold on to.

Ask what scared her about being a mom

While my kids bickered over who was getting which cup Saturday evening, my mom and I chatted about what scared her most when she was a new mom. Spoiler alert: it’s not what you think.

Instead of something scary like what would happen if something terrible happened to her babies, she said what scared her most was that she wouldn’t know what to do as a mom and everyone would see. So she faked it. For years.

Knowing that my mom thought that she had to fake it all these years didn’t exactly alleviate the fear I still feel in my own kitchen, but it did make me feel a little less alone. We are not the only moms figuring it out as we go, our moms were too.

Ask what she is most proud of

Saturday after dinner, my mom and I sat at the kitchen table after my husband did the dishes and talked over tea. I asked her what she was proudest of in her life. I thought for sure she’d say her kids (she did mention us), but she also mentioned a job she only worked at for a short time and a thing she built with her own hands that I’ve never even heard of before.

We don’t talk a ton about things like this, and I can tell my mom likes being asked about it. She has pride in things about her life that I never think about.

Ask which family dishes should not be lost

One of my favorite things to do with my mom is to go through recipes. We recently sat down and went through some of her favorites (that she’s afraid will be lost if she doesn’t get them down). One she’s never even written down anywhere!

Sunday morning my mom made a breakfast dish she used to make when I was little. All of the kids loved it and ate every last bite. Food is a big way my family honors and remembers people so I’m always happy to do what I can to make sure certain recipes aren’t lost.

All it took was an index card and a few minutes on a Sunday morning to make sure this recipe won’t be lost. Sometimes the small things are enough.

The site started out as a place for me to keep recipes so it’s definitely a special one to me!

Ask what she dreamed about before kids

Sunday late morning I drove to the store with my mom to pick up a few things. We chatted idly in the car, and I asked her what she dreamed of doing before she had kids.

Travel, she said. Write.

She did some of the first. Never the second. She said it simply, without sadness.

It made me see her choices as choices, instead of simply as my childhood.

It’s nice to know that my mom had dreams and plans that weren’t realized. It makes her life feel less like a failure and more like a life. It makes her feel more like a person to me.

Ask about her closest friends

As we put away the groceries I asked my mom who her best friends were when she was my age. She listed off a few girls (only names to me, girls from Christmas cards) and talked about one in particular she’d lost touch with over the years. Then she turned it on me and asked me who mine were.

I wasn’t expecting that one. I don’t know what prompted the question but I was glad she asked it. I know I take my friendships for granted a lot of the time but with three kids underfoot I appreciate them even more. We don’t have a lot of time to ourselves so it means the world to me when I can get away with a girl night or coffee date.

It was nice hearing my mom reminisce about her friendships. I even texted one of mine that afternoon to see how she was doing.

Ask about her first job

My husband took the kids to the park on Sunday afternoon and my mom and I ended up hanging out on the couch. I asked her about her first job and she lit up telling me about all kinds of things, from how unfair her boss was, to a co-worker that she still considered a friend, and what she bought with her first paycheck (just for herself, mind you!) She remembered it all.

I’d never pictured my mom as a teenager making her own money. I don’t know that my mom has directly imparted any wisdom about money on me, but I’m sure some of her first-job stories have trickled down. After all, our first jobs shape who we are.

Ask what she wants you to know about her health

While the kids were still having a good time at the park, I decided to ask my mom a more difficult question. I wanted to know what information I should have about our family’s health history. What illnesses run in the family? What doctors does she see?

It wasn’t the most fun question, but it was a useful one, and I don’t want to be guessing in the event of an emergency. I jotted down some important information in the notes app on my phone, and I was grateful to have the answers. I could tell that my mom was relieved to have told me what I should know too.

Ask what gives her hope

Sunday evening I asked my mom what gives her hope. She was sitting next to me on the back porch while my husband got the kids ready for bed.

Her answer wasn’t what I expected. I guess I expected a grand philosophy. Instead she said that hope is her faith, watching my kids grow up, and simply getting up each day and doing the next thing.

I’m not sure why I thought her answer would be more sophisticated than that. I suppose I thought it would be deeper. But in reality, I don’t think it’s less meaningful because of that. Her answer is honest and real. And that’s exactly what I was looking for, a way to hope that I can steal from her.

Ask about the best day of her life

On Sunday evening, as we sat on the porch together, I asked my mom what the best day of her life had been. I figured it would have been her wedding day, or perhaps the day one of her children was born. Instead, she smiled and said that the best day of her life had been an unremarkable summer day when everyone was home and nothing went wrong. Then she described the day to me, detailing what the weather was like, what they had for dinner, and the little details of an ordinary day.

I suspect that the trips we’ve taken together aren’t what my kids will remember about me.

Ask what she wants her grandkids to remember

Monday morning, as my mom left after making my kids breakfast, I asked her, what do you want them to remember you for?

Not the presents or the treats or anything like that?

Just that I listened to them.

I didn’t know that until Monday morning. But I’m going to remember now and tell stories accordingly.

Ask for her advice about marriage

Monday morning I asked my mom what her marriage advice was for me now that I’m married. Her response was to tell your spouse things that annoy you even if they’re small so they don’t fester into big things and to try to go to bed at the same time as often as possible.

I don’t get a lot of marriage advice from a lot of people but Monday morning my mom earned the right to offer me some. Her advice was very plain and practical and I have already put the second piece into practice this week.

Ask about money when it was tight

When it was time for my mom to leave on Monday, we went out on the porch and chatted a few more minutes. I asked her if she had any money management tips for me. She told me there were times when she made one chicken last all week, and shopped strictly with a list.

I learned a lot of useful tips from this conversation, and gained a great deal of respect for my mom. We had times growing up that were financially challenged, but she shielded us from that, and never let on just how close things were at times. I’m thankful she chose not to burden us with that.

Ask which traditions matter most to her

My husband was loading up my mom’s bag into the car and I asked her what traditions were important to continue. I half expected to hear Christmas and Easter and all the holidays. Instead she said, “Dinner together on Sunday nights.” It doesn’t even have to be a big meal. It’s just important to her that we all get together. Everything else can change.

I find that really relaxing to know, I don’t have to do it all the way my mom did it. I just have to keep the most important tradition, the one that means the most to her, and that’s something we can do.

Ask if there is anything she never told you

Some conversations take more than a minute.

I almost didn’t ask my mom this question. We were saying goodbye, the kids were clinging to her for hugs, she was walking back to the car. I blurted out if there was anything she wanted to tell me, anything she hadn’t told me yet. She paused and said there was one thing. I’d hear about it on the phone this week.

I don’t know if it was an emotional answer or if there was more to the story, but I like that we can have this conversation. Like that she’ll tell me on the phone. Like that she wasn’t offended by the question. Like that she knew a driveway wasn’t the place for it. Like that I asked. Like that I’m open to hearing it. Like that this is my one small controllable.

Ask what she needs from you now

My last question, as we stood in the driveway and my mom leaned out the window of her car, was, “So what do you need from me now?”

A weekly phone call where I ask questions about her (not just give her an update about us).

That was it. Just that. And as my husband backed out of the driveway and my kids waved good-bye until we turned the corner, I marveled at the usefulness of this question.

These are the questions I wanted to ask this weekend. My questions weren’t always asked perfectly (some were awkward, if I’m honest), and not all of my mom’s answers were long or detailed (I let some of them stay short). But I know my mom better now than I did one week ago, and I wrote it all down (minus a few identifying details) so my kids can have it someday.

If your mom is still here, you do not need a long weekend or a plan. You need one question and a quiet minute. Which one would you ask her first?