I spend a lot of my evenings on the couch with my phone after my kids are in bed. One night this past week I found a long thread where women who grew up in homes without men talked about what surprised them once they shared a house with one. Brothers, dads, boyfriends, husbands, roommates. The replies were funny and honest, and I kept reading until my husband asked what I was laughing at.

I have been married long enough that most of these things stopped surprising me a while ago. But reading the thread made me pay attention again. So for one ordinary week in November I watched my own house with fresh eyes. I noticed the plates, the laundry, the bathroom, the jars, and the noise. I paired each reply from the thread with something that happened right here.

I am not a counselor, and this is not a post about what men are like. It is a post about what a group of women said they were not ready for, and what that looked like in a regular family home with three kids and one tired dad. Here is what I found.

A grown man can eat more than you planned for

Friday was pizza night at our house. I ordered what I thought was plenty, and my kids each took a slice or two and wandered off. My husband sat down after a long day and worked through the rest of a pizza without looking up. When I pointed it out, he looked at the empty box and seemed surprised himself. I have cooked for my husband for years and I still misjudge this part of dinner.

One woman on Reddit described her first shock at this very thing.

The amount a young man can eat. I grew up with a sister and all my local cousins were girls. When I first started dating my boyfriend he’d make a plate with like, six corn dogs easy. He’d eat an entire pizza. I was floored

u/Cloverhart on r/AskReddit

The takeaway is simple. If you grew up with women, your sense of a normal portion is probably smaller than you think. Cook more than feels right, and plan on leftovers disappearing faster than you expect.

Opening a jar is a different job for different hands

On Sunday I was making dinner and could not get the lid off a new jar of pickles. I ran it under hot water. I tapped the edge on the counter. I used a dish towel for grip. Nothing worked. My husband walked in, picked up the jar, and twisted the lid off in one motion while asking what we were having. I had worked on that jar for a full minute. It took him no effort at all.

One reader in the thread had assumed the jar thing was a tired joke until she saw it happen.

I thought the whole “women can’t open jars” thing was a dumb stereotype. We never had a jar we couldn’t get eventually! But then I saw how easy it is for men…

u/ilsgirl98 on r/AskReddit

The plain lesson is that grip strength really does vary, and it is not a character flaw to need help. In my house I now hand over the jar without feeling bad about it, and my kids have learned to do the same.

Good toilet paper is worth explaining out loud

Early in the week I wrote the grocery list and my husband offered to do the shopping. He came home with the cheapest toilet paper in the store. He was proud of the savings. I was not. I explained, plainly and without drama, that during my period the thin kind is miserable and the softer kind actually matters to me. He had never thought about it. He had no reason to. Now he buys the brand I like without being asked.

One woman in the thread shared a nearly identical disagreement with an ex.

My ex couldn’t understand why nicer toilet paper was important to me. During my period, nice toilet paper is significantly better for cleaning up. He didn’t have to deal with that aspect and had just wanted to save some money.

u/MistyPower on r/AskReddit

The takeaway is that some needs are invisible to the person who never had them. Say what you need out loud, say why, and do not assume anyone can guess.

A full closet can still mean the same few shirts

Laundry day at our house is Monday. I sorted the hamper and counted the same shirts of my husband’s that I always see. There is the gray one, the navy one, the faded one from a trip years ago, and a flannel for cold days. Meanwhile his side of the closet is full of shirts with the tags still on. I asked him why he never wears the others. He shrugged and said the ones he wears are comfortable. That was the whole answer.

One commenter on Reddit summed up this exact situation in one line.

Has a FULL closet/dresser but he only wears 3-5 shirts on a cycle

u/Subiegorl on r/AskReddit

The lesson for me was to stop buying my husband shirts. He has what he wants. A full closet does not mean a person is using it, and that is fine as long as the laundry gets done.

The toilet lid rule applies to everyone in the house

I used to be a teacher, and I still like a rule that applies to everyone equally. In our house the toilet lid goes down after every use. Not the seat, the whole lid. I made that rule when my kids were small so nobody dropped a toy in the water, and it stuck. My husband went along with it, but I remember the early days. He argued for leaving the seat up like it was a matter of principle. I never understood why it mattered so much to him.

One woman in the thread grew up with the same lid rule and was surprised by the same intensity.

My dad grew up with sisters & had only daughters. He had a strict rule that we always had to close the toilet lid after using the bathroom. Part of his reasoning was that it took gender out of it, the rule applied to everyone. When I moved out, I knew that men often leave the lid & seat up, that part wasn’t a surprise. What stunned me though is how intensely men will fight in favor of leaving it up. The germs alone should be reason enough! Ew!

u/Own_Establishment144 on r/AskReddit

The takeaway is that a house rule works best when it is not about gender at all. Everyone closes the lid. Nobody gets singled out.

Bathroom time can stretch longer than you expect

On Wednesday morning we had an early appointment and I needed the upstairs bathroom. My husband was already in there. I waited. I made lunches. I got my kids dressed. I came back and he was still in there. When he finally came out he said he had just been getting ready. I have no idea what took so long. I showered, dressed, and did my hair in less time than he spent behind that door.

One short reply in the thread mentioned this with no further explanation needed.

the amount of time spent in the bathroom

u/Ozy333 on r/AskReddit

The plain lesson is to plan around it rather than fight it. On busy mornings I now go first, and my husband takes his time after we are all out the door.

Shirts come off at home more than you might think

Saturday afternoon my husband raked leaves in the backyard. It was cool out, but he came inside with no shirt on and stayed that way for the rest of the day. He cooked on the grill without a shirt. He helped our youngest with a puzzle without a shirt. I asked if he was cold and he said no. My kids did not notice at all. To them it is just what Dad does at home.

One man in the thread admitted this was the thing his ex said she had not been ready for.

According to my ex: how often I take off my shirt. I like … live without a shirt on, apparently

u/Big-King1232 on r/AskReddit

The takeaway for me is that comfort at home looks different for different people. As long as there is a shirt on for dinner guests, I have let this one go.

Left alone, dinner can turn into eggs and tuna

I spent Thursday evening at a friend’s house. When I got home I asked my husband what he and my kids had eaten. The kids had leftovers. My husband had eaten a can of tuna with mayonnaise and some pickled peppers, followed by scrambled eggs. No vegetables. No bread. He said it was quick and had protein, as if that settled it. I thought about the bathroom the next day and said nothing.

One woman in the thread had a grad school roommate with the same approach and decided to step in.

I once shared a small rental house (2 br, 1 ba) with a straight dude during grad school. He was kind of a gym bro, so his meals were very utilitarian: mostly tuna and eggs with toppings like mayo and picked peppers. After sharing a bathroom with him for a couple weeks, I decided I needed to teach him how to cook other things and eat vegetables that contain fiber

u/alcogeoholic on r/AskReddit

The plain lesson is that some people eat for fuel and nothing else. I keep washed vegetables in the fridge where they are easy to grab, and I count that as a win.

The toilet is sometimes just a place to sit

Our downstairs bathroom is the quietest room in the house. I found my husband in there on Tuesday evening, door closed, phone in hand, not doing anything bathroom related at all. I knocked because our middle one needed something. He said he just needed a minute. I understood that. With kids in every other room, a closed door with a lock is valuable. But I had never thought to use a toilet as a chair.

One commenter on Reddit described this habit with some confusion.

They like to sit on the toilet for long periods of time… specifically not taking a dump, just sitting in their fortress of solitude I guess.

u/Former-Intention-292 on r/AskReddit

The takeaway is that everyone in a busy house needs a place to be alone for a few minutes. If that place is the bathroom, I would rather know than wonder.

Gas is a daily fact of life in some houses

I will keep this one short because my husband will read it. During the week I noticed how often he passes gas without a second thought. In the kitchen. On the couch. Walking down the hall. My kids think it is hilarious, which does not help. When I asked him about it, he was honestly surprised I had noticed. It is not a once in a while thing. It is constant.

One woman in the thread was baffled by exactly this.

Gas. I don’t understand how they’re just chronically gassy.

u/OutrageousMiddle7965 on r/AskReddit

The plain lesson is that this is normal for a lot of people and a surprise for others. Open a window, keep a sense of humor, and ask for some manners at the dinner table.

Taking up space can be a skill worth borrowing

On Wednesday night my husband called the cable company about a billing mistake. He was polite but firm. He said what he wanted, repeated it when the person on the line pushed back, and did not apologize once. I listened from the kitchen. I would have said sorry three different ways. Later that week I had a meeting about one of my kids and I used his approach. I said what I needed plainly. It worked.

One woman in the thread noticed the same thing and carried it into her job.

How much space they take up. Not necessarily in a bad way. I just mean they’re not afraid to be loud, advocate for things that work best for them, do things on their own schedule or their own way. I took some of these things into my professional life and it’s actually been quite helpful, but it reminds how differently men and women are socialised.

u/i_eat_seaweed on r/AskReddit

The takeaway is that being clear about what you need is not rude. I was raised to be accommodating, and I am still learning to speak up without softening every sentence.

Some people live on ramen and bacon when nobody is looking

I asked my husband what he ate before we were married. He thought about it and said ramen noodles and bacon, mostly. Sometimes together. He said it without shame. He also pointed out that he owned a very good television and more cables than any person needs. That part is still true. Our hall closet has a bin of chargers and adapters that only my husband understands.

One woman in the thread had a single male roommate and remembered both sides of it.

I have lived with several roommates in the past, all of them women except one guy. Stuff that surprised me and were different from the female roommates: almost each night we spent like an hour gossiping about the people in our lives over a glass of wine. When I wasn’t around I think he only ate ramen noodles and bacon, so I felt kinda responsible for his nutritional intake. On the other hand I was never as well equipped with technical devices and knickknacks as during that time with him. Overall can recommend!

u/oldpuzzle on r/AskReddit

The plain lesson is that different people bring different strengths to a shared house. I bring the vegetables. My husband brings the working printer. Both matter.

Never hang a mirror above the toilet

Last spring I put a small mirror on the wall above the toilet in our downstairs bathroom. I thought it made the room feel bigger. My husband asked me to take it down within a day. He said he did not want to look at himself while standing there. I had not considered that at all. I never stand in front of a toilet. It had not crossed my mind that a mirror in that spot would be a problem for anyone.

One man in the thread had the same experience in a rented apartment.

I rented an apartment from a woman. She had remodeled the whole thing herself. She was that kind of gal. She had mounted a mirror on the wall above the commode. Took me a few days to realize why I was so uncomfortable peeing in that toilet till I realized that I was trying to avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. No guy would ever put a mirror in that location. When I mentioned it to her she thought it was hilarious and of course offered to move it.

u/zvuv on r/AskReddit

The takeaway is that a bathroom gets used in ways you may not picture. Before hanging anything, ask the people who use the room differently than you do.

Portions are hard to get right even with a skinny eater

My husband is not a big man. He is slim and always has been. That makes it harder, not easier, to cook the right amount. On Monday I made a pot of chili I thought would last two nights. It was gone after one. My kids ate small bowls. My husband ate the rest. I have cooked for this family for years and I still look at an empty pot and wonder where it went.

One woman in the thread said the same thing in plain words.

How much they eat, even the skinny ones. I can’t seem to get the portions right.

u/ElectricFenceSitter on r/AskReddit

The lesson I keep learning is to cook more than my eyes tell me to. If there are leftovers, nobody at my house has ever complained.

Beard hairs travel farther than anyone expects

Saturday morning my husband shaved at the bathroom sink. He rinsed the basin. He wiped the counter. He even ran a towel over the faucet. I went in afterward and found tiny hairs on the toothbrush cup, inside the soap dish, and on the windowsill above the sink. I do not know how they got there. He made a real effort, and it still was not enough.

One woman in the thread was frustrated by the same mystery.

The stupid little tiny hairs that go absolutely everywhere when he shaves. And this is after he’s made a good faith effort to clean them up.

u/EmiliusReturns on r/AskReddit

The takeaway is that some messes are not about laziness. Keep a damp cloth near the sink and wipe it down yourself if it bothers you more than it bothers him. That is what I do, and I have stopped being annoyed about it.

By the end of the week I had a notebook page full of small things I had stopped noticing years ago. None of them are big. None of them are deal breakers. They are just the ordinary differences that show up when people who were raised differently share a kitchen and a bathroom.

What I liked most about the thread was the tone. The women were not complaining. They were laughing at how little they had known and how fast they had learned. I felt the same way reading it. My husband is a good man who eats a lot, wears the same shirts, and leaves beard hair on the windowsill, and I would not trade him.

What surprised you most the first time you shared a home with someone who grew up differently than you did?