A few of my husband’s old friends came to stay with us for a long weekend in November. The guest room was full, the couch was full, and my kids were thrilled to have a house full of adults who would play cards with them. I spent most of that weekend in the kitchen, feeding people and listening.

The week before the visit, I had been reading a thread on Reddit where people answered a simple question. What small things separate a genuinely good man from a bad one? The answers were short and specific. I kept the thread open on my phone and found myself checking it between meals.

I am not an expert on men. I am a mom who used to teach and now spends her days with my three kids and my husband. What I noticed over that weekend lined up with the thread more than I expected, so I wrote it all down.

A good man says the mistake out loud

On the first night of the visit, my husband got the airport pickup time wrong by an hour. His friend stood at the curb waiting while my husband was still at home helping our youngest find a shoe. When the friend finally called, my husband did not blame traffic or the airline app. He said he had written the time down wrong, apologized, and left right away. Nobody made a big deal of it. One person on Reddit listed the very first thing that matters to them, and it was this exact habit.

Ability to admit one’s mistake

u/s0ulfire on r/AskReddit

Owning a mistake takes about ten seconds. It keeps a small problem small. A good man says what he did wrong and moves on to fixing it. I have watched people spend an entire evening defending a small error instead, and it never goes well.

The porch conversation should sound like the kitchen conversation

On Saturday afternoon the men sat on the back porch while I cleaned up lunch. The kitchen window was open. I could hear every word. They talked about work, about a car one of them was fixing, and about their wives. The talk about wives was ordinary and kind. One friend mentioned that his wife had planned the whole trip for him. Nobody mocked her for it. One man on Reddit wrote that this is the test he uses.

Their personality or attitude about women doesn’t change when there are only other men around.

u/Trans-Europe_Express on r/AskReddit

A man who respects women when women are in the room and keeps that same respect when it is only men on a porch is showing you who he is. If the tone changes when the audience changes, the kind version was the act.

Mocking a wife at dinner tells you more about him than her

At Saturday dinner, one of my husband’s friends made a joke about his wife. It was not a gentle joke. It was about how she could not keep track of money and how he had to check everything. He waited for a laugh. The table went quiet. My husband changed the subject to the game on Sunday. Later, while we loaded the dishwasher, my husband said that friend had always talked about his wife that way, and that he did not like it. A Reddit user put the pattern bluntly.

Men who speak negatively about their wives are usually jerks.

u/bbcahs on r/AskReddit

A man who complains about his wife to friends is not sharing a problem. He is building a case against her. The men I trust talk about their wives the way they would if their wives were sitting right there.

Returning the cart is a small act with no reward

On Sunday morning I needed more eggs and bread for a house full of people. One of my husband’s friends offered to come and carry bags. It was raining. We loaded the car, and I expected him to leave the cart by the curb like most people do when it is wet. He pushed the cart all the way back to the corral, came back with wet shoulders, and got in the car without comment. Someone on Reddit named this as their entire test for character.

Wether they return the shopping cart at the grocery store or not.

u/Various-Rip-9105 on r/AskReddit

Nobody is watching the cart corral. There is no reward for putting the cart back. A man who does it anyway is showing you how he behaves when nothing is on the line.

Kindness that does not need an audience

Our youngest drew a picture for every guest that weekend. The pictures were mostly circles and scribbles. One of my husband’s friends sat down on the floor, asked what each part of the picture was, and listened to a long explanation about a dog that was also a truck. He did not look up at the adults to see if we were watching. He was not performing. He was just being kind to a small child who wanted attention. A Reddit commenter described this kind of man well.

He treats everyone with respect and dignity. Kindness is natural, not forced.

u/Rude-Employment-8778 on r/AskReddit

Kindness that comes naturally does not need an audience or a thank you. You can tell it is real when a man is kind to someone who cannot do anything for him, like a small child with a crayon.

Announcing that you are a gentleman usually proves the opposite

One of my husband’s friends kept telling us how much of a gentleman he was. He said it when he held the door for me. He said it when he carried a chair. He told a long story about defending a woman at a bar years ago, and he told it twice. By Sunday, my husband was rolling his eyes in the kitchen. A Reddit user explained why this bothers so many people.

Whenever a guy has to say he’s a gentleman or a nice guy or bragging about the nice things they’ve done, even being a white knight

u/bussysniffer3000 on r/AskReddit

A man who has to tell you he is a nice guy is asking for credit. A genuinely good man does the good thing and forgets about it. I did not need a label for the friend who put the cart back in the rain. I noticed what he did on my own.

Embarrassment is normal and anger in its place is a warning

On Saturday night the kitchen floor was wet from the dog bowl. One of my husband’s friends slipped and landed hard on his backside in front of everyone. My kids gasped. The friend sat there for a second, then laughed and asked if anyone got it on video. Later my husband told me about an old coworker who once tripped in a parking lot and shouted at the people who tried to help him. One Reddit commenter said this difference is a clear sign.

They get angry instead of embarressed when something embaressing happens. If this happens, not a good sign

u/EmperorKira on r/AskReddit

Being embarrassed is a normal reaction to a clumsy moment. Turning that embarrassment into anger at whoever is nearby is not normal. A man who can laugh at himself is safe to be around when things go wrong.

The drunk version of him should still be a decent person

Saturday night ended around the fire pit with beer. A couple of my husband’s friends had more than a few. One of them got loud and sang badly, but he also carried every chair back into the garage at the end of the night and asked if I needed help with the glasses. He was the same person, just louder. A Reddit user summed up the test in a single line.

The drunk version is also a good person.

u/Sad-Educator-4547 on r/AskReddit

Alcohol does not create a new personality. It lowers the guard on the one already there. If a man is mean, pushy, or careless after a few drinks, that part was in him the whole time. If he is still thoughtful, that was in him too.

Counting every stroke matters more than the score

On Sunday afternoon the men took my kids to the mini golf place near us. Our middle one came home with a report. One of my husband’s friends had nudged his ball with his foot when he thought nobody was looking. Our middle one saw it and said so, loudly, in front of everyone. My husband said the friend laughed it off, but the other men did not laugh. One Reddit commenter had strong feelings about exactly this.

People that cheat at golf are snakes

u/beers**tz on r/AskReddit

Cheating at a game that does not matter tells you what a man will do when something does matter. If he cannot be honest about a putt, I am not sure why I would expect honesty about anything bigger.

Saying you are right and I am wrong ends the argument

On Sunday evening my husband and one of his friends argued about how to light the grill. My husband was sure the gas was off. The friend was sure it was on. They checked. The gas was on. My husband said, out loud, that his friend was right and he was wrong. Then he lit the grill and the conversation moved on. The whole thing took under a minute. A Reddit user wrote about how rare that is among the men he grew up with.

Being able to just go “you’re right I’m wrong” so many of the men I grew up with couldn’t/can’t do that. If you can just go “oh, okay I’m wrong my bad” then you’re already better than most people because you can admit your wrong rather than just argue for the sake of arguing cause you don’t want to be wrong

u/Chico3421 on r/AskReddit

Being wrong is not a character flaw. Refusing to say it is. A man who can admit he is wrong without arguing for the sake of arguing saves everyone around him a great deal of time and tension.

Listening means putting the phone face down

Our oldest had a school project due the week after the visit and wanted to explain it to everyone. It was a long explanation. Most of the adults nodded and drifted back to their phones. One of my husband’s friends turned his phone face down on the table, asked what the hardest part had been, and waited for the answer. Our oldest talked for another ten minutes. I noticed, and so did my child. One Reddit commenter wrote that listening is the foundation for everything else.

Does he stop what he’s doing and listen? REALLY listen? A man can’t see outside of himself if he doesn’t really hear the words of others around him. There’s much that goes into being a good man, but a man who listens and absorbs from others has a better chance at getting there than men who disregard the feelings and perspectives of others.

u/EidolonRook on r/AskReddit

A man who really listens learns things about the people around him. A man who waits for his turn to talk never does. Listening to a child about a school project is a small thing, but it is the same skill that matters in a marriage.

Watch what he does when it is your good news

One of my husband’s friends had been promoted the week before the visit. He mentioned it quietly at Saturday breakfast. The reactions were different around the table. My husband asked what the new job involved and said he was glad. Another friend said congratulations, then immediately started talking about his own job and how underpaid he was. The promoted friend stopped talking about it after that. A Reddit user named this as a thing to watch.

How they behave when you succeed

u/Work_Function on r/AskReddit

Anyone can be kind when you are struggling. The real test is whether a man can be glad for you when you are doing well. Jealousy shows up fast at a breakfast table.

His personality should not change when a woman walks in

On Sunday afternoon a neighbor stopped by to return a casserole dish. She is a friendly woman who lives down the street. One of my husband’s friends changed the moment she came in. His voice dropped. He stood up straighter. He started telling a story about his job that nobody had asked about. When the neighbor left, he went right back to slumping on the couch. My husband noticed it too and raised his eyebrows at me. A Reddit commenter described this exact switch.

He doesn’t switch his personality up suddenly when women come around

u/Rook2Rook on r/AskReddit

A man who turns on a different personality for women is performing. The version you see when no women are around is the real one. I would rather know a man who is the same in both rooms.

How he treats the person nobody else bothers with

On Monday morning my husband was exhausted from the weekend. On the way to drop a friend at the airport, they stopped for gas. The man at the next pump wanted to talk. He talked about the weather, about his truck, and about his knee. Most people would have nodded and left. My husband was tired and running late, and he still stood there and listened for a few minutes and asked about the knee. The friend told me about it afterward. A Reddit user explained why this moment matters so much.

Watch how they treat a person everyone else ignores. Not saying they go out of their way to engage with others, but normal interactions with odd people. Especially if he’s having a bad day… will he draw from the little energy he has to treat that person with respect.

u/17037 on r/AskReddit

Treating a lonely stranger with respect when you have the energy is easy. Doing it when you are tired and behind schedule is the real measure. The people everyone else ignores notice who stops.

Gratitude is the habit that sorts the rest

When the visit ended, the goodbyes were different. One of my husband’s friends stripped the guest bed, folded the sheets, and thanked me for every meal by name. Another friend walked out the door with his bag and said nothing at all, not to me and not to my kids who had shared their rooms and their games all weekend. My husband was quiet in the car afterward. A Reddit commenter put the two kinds of men side by side.

Gratitude or ingratitude. There is a very large Venn Diagram overlap between those who never express thanks for anything, and the kind of arrogant twit that thinks the world owes them anything they want on demand.

u/CatoLiberius on r/AskReddit

A man who never says thank you usually believes he was owed whatever he got. A man who notices what others do for him, and says so, is paying attention to people other than himself. Of all the small things I watched that weekend, this was the one that stayed with me longest.

Nothing that happened during that visit was dramatic. There were no big arguments and no big speeches. There were just small moments, one after another, that added up to a clear picture of each man in my house. My husband and I talked about it for days afterward.

I am not a counselor and I do not have a formula for judging anyone. I only know that the small things, like a cart in the rain or a thank you at the door, told me more than any big gesture could have. Which small thing tells you the most about a man’s character?