My mom came to stay with us for the week before Thanksgiving. My husband had a heavy stretch at work, and my three kids had a half day of school and then a long break. My mom offered to come early and help. I said yes before she finished the sentence.

I am not a grandma. I am a stay at home mom and a former teacher, and I am still figuring out how to run my own house. But I spent that week watching my mom be a grandma in my kitchen, and I noticed something. She was warm with my kids every single day. She was also clear about what she would and would not do. The two things did not fight each other.

I asked readers of this blog who are grandmas what boundaries they have set with their own families. Their answers lined up with what I watched my mom do. Here are the ten boundaries that stood out, each one tied to a moment from that week.

Decide how much babysitting you can give before anyone asks

On the first night my mom was here, I started listing the days I hoped she could watch my kids. I had a dentist appointment, a grocery run, and a long errand list. My mom listened and then said she could take the afternoons but wanted the mornings to herself. My first reaction was a small sting. My second reaction was relief, because now I knew exactly what to plan around.

A reader named Sharon K., 68, of Fresno, California, told me she learned this the hard way. “I said yes to every request for a year. Then I was tired and resentful, and nobody knew why. Now I tell my daughter what days I am free each month, and she plans around it.”

The lesson my mom showed me is simple. A grandma who names her limits up front gives everyone a plan to trust.

Keep your own plans and your own friends

On Wednesday morning my mom put on her coat and said she was meeting a friend who lived nearby for coffee. My kids asked if she was leaving. My mom said she would be back by lunch and that she had a life of her own even when she was visiting. Then she left. My kids were fine. I was a little surprised at how fine they were.

Later that day my mom told me that keeping her own plans is the only way she can keep showing up for us. If she drops everything every time, she has nothing left to give.

A grandma who holds on to her own friendships and routines is a grandma who has something to bring when she walks in the door.

Ask for the house rules once, then follow them

On the first morning, my mom asked me to tell her the rules for my kids. Screen time, snacks, bedtime, and which words we do not allow. I told her. She did not argue with any of it, even the parts I could tell she thought were strict. Then she followed every rule for the rest of the week.

A reader named Marilyn D., 71, of Dayton, Ohio, said this is the boundary she set with herself. “I ask my son and his wife what the rules are. I do not ask why. Then I keep them. It is their house and their kids. My job is to make their job easier.”

My mom did not need to agree with my rules to respect them. A grandma who asks once and then follows through earns a lot of trust very fast.

Your own house has its own rules

Midweek my kids started planning a sleepover at my mom’s house for after the holiday. My mom was happy about it. She also told my kids plainly what the rules at her house are. Shoes come off at the door. Nobody eats in the living room. Everyone helps clear the table. My kids nodded like this was no big deal, because it was no big deal.

What I noticed is that my mom did not ask my permission for her own house rules. She also did not apologize for them. She just stated them and moved on.

A grandma can follow the parents’ rules in the parents’ house and still keep her own rules in her own house. Both can be true, and kids handle it better than adults expect.

Stay out of the parents’ disagreements

One evening my husband and I disagreed about whether our oldest could stay up late for a movie. We were not fighting, but we were going back and forth in the kitchen. My mom was sitting right there. She picked up her tea and went into the other room. She did not take a side. She did not offer an opinion. She did not even make a face.

Afterward I asked my mom why she left. She said that when she was a young mom, the worst thing her own mother did was weigh in on arguments between her and my dad. It made every disagreement bigger.

A grandma who stays quiet during a parents’ disagreement protects the marriage more than any advice could.

Ask for notice before you are needed

On Thursday I almost asked my mom to watch my kids with no warning so I could run to the store. I caught myself and asked if she could do it in an hour. My mom said yes, and she said thank you for asking ahead. That small thank you told me how often people do not ask ahead.

A reader named Joyce T., 64, of Spokane, Washington, put it this way. “My grandkids used to get dropped off with no call. I love them. I also have a doctor, a church group, and a garden. Now I ask for a day of notice unless it is an emergency. My daughter grumbled for a month and then got used to it.”

A grandma who asks for notice is not being difficult. She is being honest about having a life that cannot pause on command.

Spend your money the way you choose

While my mom was here, our middle one asked her for a toy that was more than I would ever spend. My mom said no. She did not explain. She did not promise it for Christmas. She said that she decides what she buys, and that she was not buying that. Our middle one pouted for about a minute and then forgot.

My mom later told me she used to say yes to things like that to avoid the pouting. It got expensive, and it made my kids expect it. Now she picks the gifts she wants to give, and she gives them when she wants to.

A grandma who treats her money as her own is teaching her grandkids something real about asking and hearing no.

Rest when your body says to rest

By Friday afternoon my mom was tired. My kids wanted her to play outside. My mom said she needed to sit down for a while and that she would come out after. My youngest tugged at her hand. My mom stayed in the chair and said it again, gently. Then she rested.

I watched this and felt a little guilty, because I had been letting her do a lot all week. She did not seem to feel guilty at all. She just rested and then came outside later like she said she would.

A reader named Gloria P., 73, of Tampa, Florida, said, “I used to push through and then be useless for two days. Now I sit when I need to sit. The kids learn to wait. That is good for them.”

A grandma who rests without apology is a grandma who can keep coming back.

Say no to lifting and carrying that hurts

Our youngest still asks to be picked up a lot. During the week, my mom said no to carrying our youngest up the stairs. She said her back does not do that anymore. Then she held our youngest’s hand and walked up together instead. Our youngest did not seem to mind the change.

I noticed that my mom did not pretend she could do something she could not. She did not try it once and wince. She just named the limit and found another way to be close.

A grandma who is honest about what her body can do avoids an injury that would keep her away for much longer than one skipped piggyback ride.

Keep opinions on parenting choices to yourself unless asked

Near the end of the week, I made a choice my mom clearly did not love. I let our oldest skip a chore because of a hard day at school. My mom raised an eyebrow and said nothing. Later, when my kids were in bed, I asked her what she thought. Only then did she tell me. Her point was fair, and I took part of it.

The order mattered. She waited to be asked. If she had said it in front of my kids, I would have dug in. Because she waited, I listened.

A grandma who holds her opinion until she is asked gets heard more often, not less.

Watching my mom that week taught me more about boundaries than any article I have read. She was not cold. She was not rigid. She was warm and clear at the same time, and my kids loved every minute she was here. When she left on Sunday, our middle one cried, and so did I a little.

I am years away from being a grandma myself. But I hope I remember what I saw. Loving a family and setting limits with that family are not opposites. They go together.

If you are a grandma, which of these boundaries has been hardest for you to hold?